Spiritual Foundation #3 Relational Preparation
As excited as I was to go to the university of my dreams, 40+ years later, I still remember the empty feeling of watching my parents and sister drive away. What would things be like at home without me? What would things be like at college without them? Will I make friends? Will I find my way?
One of the first ways to prepare your child relationally for college is to prepare you both for your relationship to change. Going off to college is an adjustment for the entire family. Your relationship with your child is going to naturally change as they move toward calling more of their own shots (and calling you less). So let me give you my $5 piece of advice: Mama, you need to let go. And your cub needs you to let go.
While they lived at home, you helped lay a strong foundation for them. And while it’s ultimately their choice whether or not to build on that foundation, let’s discuss how to keep your relationship strong while helping them navigate this new terrain. Let your child know these will be real choices and issues they will face and that you are confident they can handle them, but if things ever get a little heavy, you are just a phone call away.
Prepare for Vertical and Horizontal Relationships
As you and your college-bound child adjust to these changes, consider some structures to support their relationships. Just as there are vertical and horizontal aspects to a house via the foundation and the frame, so there are to your child’s relational structures. How can they pour into their vertical frame of faith with Jesus and His church while on campus? How can they support their horizontal foundation of relationships with fellow Christians, friends, and family?
Supporting the Vertical Structures (especially in the first two weeks)
I remember my first two weeks at college like they were yesterday. When I woke up that first Sunday in my college dorm room, I realized that – for the first time ever – I alone could decide whether I would go to church. Granted, it was over four decades ago, I lived in the Bible Belt, and going to church was still the “normal” thing to do. But go, I did. And I continued to go throughout my college years, but that’s likely because I made the decision early on.
Young people retrospectively report that the first two weeks of their college freshman year set the trajectory for their remaining years in school. According to the Fuller Youth Institute, we tend to overestimate how ready our youth group grads are for the faith struggles they will face in college. Parents and leaders should talk earlier and more frequently with their entering freshmen about developing a plan for the first two weeks, especially on how to investigate local churches and on-campus ministries.
Finding a church
One pervasive struggle for college students is finding a new church, as evidenced by the 40 percent of freshmen who report difficulty doing so. The group Every Student Sent helps incoming freshmen connect with ministries and churches on their campus, find community with other Christian students, and grow their faith through exclusive online courses. And a lot of this can be done before they ever set foot on campus. Plus, it’s free. There are portals for students, parents, school administrators, and youth pastors, so anyone can help get the student engaged and connected.
College Church Connection (CCC) is another great resource, providing a detailed report for your child based on a personal survey. CCC will recommend Christian contacts, college-town churches, and campus ministries based on the college he/she will be attending. Not only is this helpful, it’s successful. CCC reports that 80 to 90 percent of the students who receive a report find a church and a ministry they love during their first semester of college. The cost is minimal and a huge investment in your student’s spiritual health. This would make a great graduation gift for all church youth groups to give their seniors.
Finding a campus ministry
Keep in mind that your student may want a full-orbed type of ministry (worship, fellowship, Bible Study, prayer, recreation) as well as a more topic-specific ministry like Ratio Christi (RC). RC strategically trains students to participate in conversational evangelism by studying apologetics—the scientific, philosophical, and historical reasons for adhering to a Christian worldview (learn more about the intellectual foundation here). This can be a spiritual lifesaver when they are tossed into an environment where everything they thought they knew is being undermined by the secular humanism which pervades college campuses (even Christian ones!).
There are non-denominational and denominational campus ministries. If you have enough lead time during your child’s senior year of high school, subscribe to campus ministry newsletters, and “like” or “follow” the ministries’ social media pages to get a feel for their teaching and activities. Your student can get to know the DNA of each group through websites or by talking with upperclassmen from their church or campus about the ministries they are involved in.
On campus orientation days, look for representatives at tables for the campus ministries and churches. Check out campus ministry offices, the school’s religious life office, and nearby churches. Find out what night a campus ministry meeting is held and attend it. Some campuses even have student housing for Christians (for example, Christian Campus Fellowship).
Talk to a campus minister you might know. If your family, your church, or another family you know sponsors a campus minister somewhere, see if you could meet in person or virtually to discuss their insights into finding Christian community on campus.
Don’t confuse church and campus ministry!
Make sure your student knows that a campus ministry is not a substitute for a local church in their college town. Each institution plays a different relational role in your student’s life, and being involved in both is important for maintaining a well-rounded faith experience. Being part of a local church connects a student to the larger body of Christ and allows him/her to be accountable, to be spiritually fed, and to contribute. It also helps prepare for transition back into a local church, not only when home on break, but once they have graduated. There’s something to be said about the “muscle memory” of returning to church. Local church attendance during college also fosters intergenerational relationships, which have been shown to be important in retaining faith.[1]
The Horizontal Structures
Supporting your child’s horizontal structures means preparing them for what will happen with family, friends, and Christian fellowship.
- Family check-ins. While we may be great at checking in with our students about classes, grades, social life, roommate issues, health, and when they’ll be home on break, we should also check in about their spiritual health as well. Whether by phone, text, video chat, or visits home, judge the best time and place. Pray for God’s leading on when and how to bring these things up. Longer breaks, like Christmas, might provide time for more in-depth discussions. But don’t go that many months without a check-in, or you may find your Christian student has already checked out. Here’s a link to a PDF with conversation starter questions you can use.
- Navigating old friendships. Friendships also change in college. Your child may or may not remain close to their childhood friends. Help them navigate the loss of those friends and help them nurture them if they desire to keep them.
- Navigating new friendships and forming their “inner circle.” College gives students an incredible opportunity to meet new friends from all over the world. While you want them to be discerning in the company they keep, you also want them to develop relationship and communication skills with a diverse set of people. Living in the world means learning how to interact with people from all walks of life. Remind them that though we are to be kind to all, we do not have to have equally deep relationships with all. Who they choose for their “inner circle” often dictates who they become. As your child gets involved in campus ministry and a local church, hopefully, they will find close Christian fellowship for counsel, accountability, and fun.
- Navigating intergenerational friendships. While they may only think of friendships with their dormmates and classmates, their relationships will extend much further. They are also in relationships with their professors, ministry leaders, and pastors. They are in intergenerational relationships through choice – like their ministry leaders and pastors– and sometimes not of choice – like with their professors. Peers are important, but so are mentors. Your child should choose wisely, both spiritually and educationally. In Cultural Captives, Stephen Cable reports that college graduates with a biblical worldview are more likely to point to someone other than a family member as the most influential source in their faith. He thinks this is likely because when faith is challenged in college, those who don’t fall away can’t look to their fallen peers for guidance. They need an entire faith community at college, consisting of campus ministers and a college-town church.
- Navigating relationships with their home church. If your home church has a current college small group, encourage your student to attend when home on breaks. If your church does not, how about starting one? It could fill a giant hole in a college student’s life. Facilitate a way for your home church to intentionally stay in touch with your college student—you are, in essence, sending them out as missionaries into hostile territory. The church has a vested interest in this while they are on campus and when they are home on “furlough.” Perhaps older adults in your church could adopt college students to stay in contact with while they are away. Our church sent an encouraging note and gift card for coffee right before exam time to all our college students as a way to let them know we cared.
Prepare for Future Success
Campus ministry, Bible study, and a weekly prayer partner were part of my spiritual syllabus. God used my college years to help me forge my faith. But if I were going to be a coed on campus this fall, in our current climate, I’m honestly not sure how well I would fare. Building a relational foundation vertically through connection with campus ministry and a local college church and horizontally through open communication with family and lasting friendships of all ages can make a concrete difference for yourself and your student in this journey.
References:
[1] For more about how a local church can help their collegians, visit https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/college-students-church-ready/.
Recommended Resources:
Jesus, You and the Essentials of Christianity by Frank Turek (INSTRUCTOR Study Guide), (STUDENT Study Guide), and (DVD)
How to Interpret Your Bible by Dr. Frank Turek DVD Complete Series, INSTRUCTOR Study Guide, and STUDENT Study Guide
Intellectual Predators: How Professors Prey on Christian Students (DVD) (mp3) (mp4 Download)
Can All Religions Be True? mp3 by Frank Turek
Julie Loos combined her passion for prayer and apologetics in her contributions to three Mama Bear Apologetics books. Her apologetics training came from campus ministry and certificates from Biola University and the Crossexamined Instructors Academy. Julie has been teaching, writing, and speaking on prayer for Moms in Prayer International for more than 23 years. She lives in Missouri with her husband, Todd, has two married sons, two grandchildren, and enjoys working out, Bible study, chocolate, coffee, and deep conversations.
Originally posted at: https://bit.ly/4oyK4n2
