The Hoax of Unconditional Forgiveness: Why This Unbiblical Wisdom Will Never Achieve True Healing
[Note from the author] The following article is my opinion. It is not a professional opinion. I’m not a specialist in human behavior and haven’t been trained in it. This article reflect my own reflection about the topic from what I consider to be the Biblical view of forgiveness. Although I do hope this article be of help to you, please take everything I say with a grain of salt. Do your own research and talk with a mental health professional if you need to.
The idea of unconditional forgiveness might sound like a band-aid for your wounded heart. But let’s be real for a moment — is it really healing you, or is it just sweeping the pain under the rug?
Be honest, did you have the following thoughts: “Does this actually work? Can I just forgive and magically find peace?”
We all crave that instant relief from the ache in our souls but let me tell you something — true healing doesn’t come from sugarcoating our emotions.
I’ve seen how this conventional wisdom can leave folks stuck in a never-ending cycle of hurt and confusion. It’s like trying to heal a wound without cleaning it first. It just doesn’t work.
But hey, I’m not here to point fingers or shame anyone for seeking solace in the familiar. We all want to believe in the power of forgiveness, and that’s a good thing.
But what if I told you there’s a more authentic biblical path to healing — one that doesn’t shy away from the truth?
So, here’s the deal. I’m not here to give you empty promises or pretend I have all the answers. Instead, I want to lead you to carefully reflect on what the Bible says about the topic.
We’re going to dive deep into the fallacy of forgiveness without repentance and explore what really makes the healing happen. Let’s begin.
Conventional Wisdom: Forgiveness Without Repentance
You know what they say — “Just forgive and forget.” It sounds simple, almost too good to be true. The allure of easy forgiveness is undeniable, especially when we’re hurting and desperate to move on. But here’s the thing: it’s artificial.
Promoted heavily in psychology, this form of therapy is not about reconciliation between people. It’s about inner health, devoid of accountability. It’s unilateral. All about me. My mental health. My inner peace.
You must forgive not only when there’s no repentance, even when the offender is determined to do it again. This is not only between people. Others have gone so far as to say we must forgive God!
“God has allowed bad things to happen . . . He has allowed us to suffer when we didn’t do anything that we know of to warrant such ill-treatment . . . We therefore must forgive him — but not because he is guilty, but for allowing evil to touch our lives.”
R.T Kendall, Total Forgiveness, Charisma House, 2007, p. 33.
Blasphemy!
Usually, they will give you many texts about forgiveness like Matthew 18.21-22 where Peter asks Jesus how many times, he needs to forgive his fellow brother and Jesus responded 70 times 7.
Many of the texts (if not all) where it is demanded that the offended should forgive the offender without any mention of conditions are understood as evidence for not demanding repentance.
But that’s not reading the text carefully.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Just because these texts don’t mention the condition, it doesn’t follow that a condition is not necessary. It could very well be that it is implied or assumed. We will continue with Matthew 18 later.
The Deceptive Allure: Why Conventional Forgiveness Falls Short
Let’s start with basic definitions. What is forgiveness, unconditional forgiveness, and repentance?
Forgiveness: A commitment by the offended to graciously pardon the repentant from moral liability (see Chris Brauns, Unpacking Forgiveness, Crossways, 2008, pg. 55).
Repentance: is reviewing one’s actions and feeling contrition or regret for past or present wrongdoings, which is accompanied by commitment to and actual actions that show and prove a change for the better.
Unconditional forgiveness: the commitment by the offended to graciously pardon the unrepentant from moral liability.
This doesn’t sound right, and we all know it deep inside, but somehow, we have managed to talk ourselves into believing this is the correct path for healing.
Forgiveness requires two persons at least. Unconditional forgiveness does not. But is it even biblical?
Demanding Repentance for Authentic Forgiveness
Demanding repentance doesn’t mean seeking revenge or holding grudges; it means valuing yourself enough to set healthy boundaries and insisting on genuine change. Biblical forgiveness demands not only remorse, but repentance as well.
Do you remember the day you were born again? It’s ok if you don’t, but do you remember that to be born again you needed to confess your sins and repent before God, right?
I hope you do, because you can’t have forgiveness before God if there is no repentance and confession of your sins. Here is a sample list of the verses that establishes conditional forgiveness.
OLD TESTAMENT
2 Chronicles 7:14
Isaiah 55:6-7
Jeremiah 36:3
Ezekiel 18:21-23
Joel 2:12-13
NEW TESTAMENT
Matthew 4:17
Matthew 6:14-15
Luke 13:3
Acts 2:38
Acts 3:19
2 Corinthians 7:10
1 John 1:9
Revelation 2:5
This judicial forgiveness, given by God, incorporates us into God’s family.
Let me show what I call the biblical forgiveness argument,
Premise 1: If God forgives sinners only when they confess and repent, then His forgiveness is conditional upon their response to sin.
Premise 2: Scripture teaches that God’s people are expected to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives them.
Conclusion: Therefore, God’s people are not required to offer unconditional forgiveness but should forgive based on a person’s repentance, following God’s example.
Let’s turn back to Matthew 18. Read what Jesus says about the process of forgiving another believer from verses 15-17,
“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
Notice that Jesus never ever says to the offended believer, “go ahead and forgive him unconditionally”. Jesus laid out the steps clearly.
- Go to the offender in private (This is wise because it may be that the offender didn’t knew he offended you). If he doesn’t repent,
- Take one or two believers as witnesses and point out the offense again. If he doesn’t repent,
- Take the case to the church.
- If even then he doesn’t repent, he must be expelled from the church.
As you can see, Jesus did request repentance between brothers and sisters in the Church. This is the clearest passage we have about the topic of forgiveness.
There’s a principle in hermeneutics called The Analogy of Faith which states that all of Scripture is in agreement and there’s no contradiction in it. For this, we usually try to read everything the Bible says about a topic and then identify the clearest passages and those will help us shed light on the cloudier passages.
I take Matthew 18:15-17 to be the clearest passage on how to forgive a brother in Christ. So, as I said before, by definition, forgiveness is bilateral; it requires two persons.
“Forgiveness is a figurative handshake. You cannot shake hands alone. For forgiveness to happen, you need to seek out the offending party (or the offended party if you are the offender), extend your hand, and pray that the other party will offer his or hers to you.”
Chris Brauns 2008, pg. 127.
The offending party is bringing division in the body of Christ. There must be clear consequences.
What Forgiveness is not
Forgiveness has been severely misunderstood. Let’s view 5 ways forgiveness is confused with.
- Don’t confuse undeserved forgiveness with unconditional forgiveness.
Sinful humans do not deserve forgiveness. We deserve punishment. But God’s loving mercy through Jesus’ sacrifice made available his divine forgiveness for all who believe (John 3.16).
Stated in a different way, undeserved forgiveness is unconditional, while unconditional forgiveness is undeserved. The former is mercy; the latter is unjust and, therefore, undeserved.
- Don’t confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.
Forgiveness is a personal, internal process, whereas reconciliation is the restoration of a relationship. This may not always be possible or advisable. There are cases where this simply won’t happen like deceased offender, severe abuser, sexual immorality or if the offender doesn’t want to change. See, June Hunt, How to Forgive . . . When You Don’t Feel Like it, Hope for the Heart, 2008, pgs. 32–33.
- Don’t confuse forgiveness with a sentiment.
Forgiveness will not excuse or make the guilt disappear. Let’s be real clear here. Read this slowly. You have the moral right to be angry. It’s fair to think no one has the right to hurt you.
- Don’t confuse forgiveness with justice.
It is not. Forgiveness is the cancelation of debt. In Greek the word is aphesis, which can mean “send afar” or “let go”. Forgiveness in this case is not between the individual and God. It’s between men (though sinning against one another is sinning against God).
- Don’t confuse forgiveness with forgetting.
Something did happen. Something was broken. Forgiveness acknowledges that a harm has occurred and, in many cases, it will never be forgotten, even when you want to with all your strength. You’re not condoning nor excusing the offense.
Part of the process of forgiveness is confronting and working through the pain.
Addressing Counter Arguments
Okay, I hear you — demanding repentance might still feel counterintuitive. You might be thinking, “What if the person never changes? Won’t I be stuck in this hurt forever? or What if my offender is already dead? Or if it’s someone that is not advisable to be nearby?”
Those are legitimate concerns. Let’s tackle the two most common counterarguments head-on.
- The Risk of Holding Roots of Bitterness
You’re right; holding grudges won’t do you any good. But again, demanding repentance isn’t about harboring resentment; it’s about setting clear boundaries for growth. You are under no obligation by God to bestow forgiveness to an unforgiven offender. You have the right to be angered, but you don’t have the right to commit revenge. Revenge is of the Lord. Bring it forth to Him. Express your heart to the Lord and find comfort in family members, the Church, and, if needed, get assistance from a professional. Also, although you have the right to conditionally forgive, you must also have the willingness to forgive. Withholding forgiveness from someone who sinned against you will make God withhold His forgiveness when you sin against Him (Matthew 6:15). You don’t want that, do you?
- Jesus’s Forgiveness on the Cross
When Jesus says, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34) He is displaying an attitude of intercession and compassion toward those who were crucifying him. This request for forgiveness does not necessarily imply an automatic absolution of sin or salvation for each individual involved. It was not a salvific forgiveness. That would mean that God forgave the most atrocious sin of all human history, the murder of the one truly sinless man. That would contradict all the biblical data we have on the topic. Rather, it reflects Jesus’ desire for them to be granted grace and opportunity for repentance, and this is key: acknowledging their ignorance in the magnitude of their actions. It is more of a call for mercy and delaying judgment, giving people the opportunity to repent and seek salvation.
- We need to love our enemies
Matthew 5:43-48 says that we need to love, bless, do good, and pray for our enemies. People that sin against you aren’t always or necessarily your enemies. It can be a brother in Christ, family member, or friends that did you wrong; but they aren’t your enemies. But even if they were, to love them, bless them, do good and pray for them, is not equal to forgiving them. In fact, the intent is to produce in them guilt and shame that can result in asking for forgiveness.
- For many, unconditional forgiveness has worked
Many have cried out to the Lord to help them forgive unconditionally and have found the effects of forgiveness: peace and healing. God doesn’t need you to do an exegesis of the topic in order to grant what your heart justifiably longs and needs. He will bypass the ignorance and comfort the soul. But that doesn’t mean that unconditional forgiveness is the way it should be.
What if my offender is dead, Doesn’t want to repent, or Abused me?
When the offender can’t or won’t repent, you simply won’t be able to forgive, by definition. In the case of the offender being dead, look for help with mental health professionals, bring it to God in constant prayer, and seek refuge in the body of Christ, the church.
Don’t get isolated. That won’t help at all.
If the offender is alive and doesn’t want to repent, do the exact same thing as above, but also set boundaries. Distance yourself from such a person and establish consequences for violating such boundaries. Toxic people like that only destroy and bring harm.
Evidences of True Repentance
So, how do we put all of this into practice? It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. Let’s walk through some practical steps to embrace genuine healing through demanding repentance.
- Open Communication and Dialogue
Start by engaging in open, honest communication. Talk to the person involved, share your feelings, and allow them to express theirs too. - Empathy and Understanding
Take a moment to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Empathy doesn’t excuse hurtful actions, but it allows you to see the complexities of human nature and the potential for growth.
Does all this mean that if the offender repents and I forgive her, all is good and dandy? Blank page, nothing happened here, let’s dance kumbaya? Not necessarily. This obviously depends on the nature and gravity of the offense.
The evidence of true repentance are fruits of repentance. Recall the definition of repentance: reviewing one’s actions and feeling contrition or regret for past or present wrongdoings, which is accompanied by commitment to and actual actions that show and prove a change for the better.
In her book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Lysa Terkeurst says the following,
“Healthy changes in someone cannot be measured just by the words they say. There must be changes in the way they think, changes in habits, changes in behaviors, changes in reactions, and changes in patterns of conduct demonstrated consistently over a long period of time. How long? As long as it takes” (Translated from the Spanish version. Emphasis mine).
Immediate changes in the behavior don’t necessarily mean real repentance. Lisa Terkeurst gives a warning:
“Behavior changes are good unless they are a temporary performance with a relapse waiting to happen . . . We can have some good days, even some good months where it seems like things are going to get better. But remember, be honest with what is really going on. Don’t keep excusing negative or destructive behavior patterns or addictions as if they are just occasional slip-ups and isolated mistakes. There is something deeper in the foundational thinking and processing of someone who has been hurting you with their bad choices over and over again. ‘Things are better’ is not the same as ‘there was healing in our relationship’.” (Translated from the Spanish version)
Conclusion
Now, I know this whole journey of questioning the conventional wisdom on forgiveness might have stirred up some emotions within you. You might be feeling a mix of skepticism, doubt, and even a tinge of guilt for questioning a belief deeply ingrained in you.
But guess what? It’s absolutely okay to seek answers and challenge the norms. You’re not alone in feeling uncertain; in fact, many have grappled with the same questions and emerged stronger on the other side.
I want you to know that your search for true healing is worth every moment. By daring to demand repentance and set boundaries, you’re taking back control of your life.
Throughout this article, we’ve explored the fallacy of forgiveness without repentance, the power of demanding genuine change, and setting boundaries. You now hold the key to unlock true healing — for yourself and those around you.
Remember, you deserve nothing less than true healing.
Recommended Resources:
The Great Book of Romans by Dr. Frank Turek (Mp4, Mp3, DVD Complete series, STUDENT & INSTRUCTOR Study Guide, COMPLETE Instructor Set)
Jesus, You and the Essentials of Christianity by Frank Turek (INSTRUCTOR Study Guide) and (STUDENT Study Guide)
How to Interpret Your Bible by Dr. Frank Turek DVD Complete Series, INSTRUCTOR Study Guide, and STUDENT Study Guide
Was Jesus Intolerant? (Mp4 Download) by Dr. Frank Turek
Miguel Rodriguez is the founder of Smart Faith, a platform dedicated to helping Christians defend their faith with clarity and confidence. After experiencing a miraculous healing at 14, he developed a passion for knowing God through study and teaching. He now serves as the Director of Christian Education and a Bible teacher at his local church while also working as a freelance email marketer. Living in Orlando, Florida, with his wife and two daughters, Miguel seeks to equip believers with practical and intellectual tools to strengthen their faith. Through Smart Faith, he provides apologetics and self-improvement content to help Christians live with wisdom and integrity.
Originally posted at: https://bit.ly/4idV2hJ
